Musings

"There's only one thing to be sure of mate, there's nothing to be sure of."

So goes a line from Stephen Swartz's play "Pippin" and it is as true as it gets I suppose. No matter how hard you try, or how much you give of yourself, or how much you may screw up while you try, things don't go the way that you want them to. You just can never be sure.

For the past 30 years at Jefferson Street Baptist Chapel and at Union Mission, I've been part of a team that was there to catch people when they fell. Their lives came apart and suddenly they had nowhere to go. There was no family that wanted them. Friends disappeared. They were no longer sure of anything.

So I was one of the ones there to catch the fallen. And I was sure that I could help. No house to live in? Fine, we'll build some. And we did.

No heath care? We can do that. And we did.

Behavioral Health is the problem? We can fix that. And we did.

AIDS? Live here in these houses.

No work? Come here, we can help with that. And we did.

But it takes its toll, you know? And you become successful beyond your wildest dreams because you fix other people's tragedies. But their tragedies become yours in the process. You have to take them on and own them to help them get through. And so it becomes this burden that you carry.

And the success means that more tragedies come to you, from everywhere all of the time. And you are forever managing saddness. Good things happen, but you swim in a sea of tragedy.

And you find ways to survive. Relationships become intense. Gallows humor is everyday language. Intimacy is precious. And the need to have love returned in the same way that you throw it out everyday is the primary goal of life.

But this saddness lives in your heart though you do your very best to project confidence and optimism and succcess to those who so desperately need these things. But the saddness is always there and sometimes you just grow quiet and become alone with it. Because that is the way that saddness is managed. Alone.

And one part of you knows that you've done good because people thank you for what you do all of the time. But another part of you knows that you could have done things better but you are frail and human like everyone.

So you think about the things that you have done. Three little kool-aid stained girls now have a place to live and are happy and thriving. Cooks that you know have their teeth fixed at a dental clinic that you helped to build. Waitress' that you see everyday have health care. You buy things from people that you helped get a job.

And you think about it all. And you wonder what is next?