Washing the Heart

So, there are some things that you simply can’t fix, regardless of how talented or wonderful or clever you are. That is not because they do not need fixing, because they require it more than almost everything in the world. They are bad relationships or bad systems or bad friendships or banking accounts or lawns or windows that leak or toilets that you have to flip the handle on or whatever.

It is difficult to take an inventory of these things but before we all die we will. Or we won’t because we will ignore it and that will cost us far more in the end.

So, lets get started shall we?

These are the things that I have not been able to fix, aside from windows that leak or toilets where you have to flip the handle because they are things that are beyond my repair no matter what. So I hire someone who is far more experienced than I in these matters. The other matters however are mine to manage through.

First would be all of those relationships where I was so in love and she was so in love but we were way too immature so that love was lost. The one that I regret the most is Ginny because we were pretty passionate but it ended because High School ended and college began and I continued becoming me and she continued becoming her and we lost one another. Still, I would like to call her and say thanks because those were wonderful defining days and I would not be me without those times.

Then there is my first marriage. We both invested a lot and have three wonderful children as a result. We did things that were great and things that were not so great. We laughed and we loved and we fought and we spent long moments in silence because no one knew what else to say. We both tried our best to fix it but there was no fixing. So we moved on long after we knew that we should have.

The kids remain though and they are the best, most wonderful reminders of what love can produce, although I have met many kids that were also produced in love but did not turn out so wonderfully. It makes me very, very thankful for the relationships that I have with them.

Then there is SABHC, an attempt to fix mental health care in our community. I worked hard giving it my every thing at the cost of many other things, emotionally, financially, and relationship wise. In the beginning, like most beginnings, it was wonderful and we accomplished a lot, but it unraveled and I crashed and burned along with the attempt before other caring and wonderful people reached in and pulled me out. But I did my best, am proud that I did, but am sad at the cost.

But there is this one face that I will never forget, a mentally ill woman crying and burying her head in my chest, begging me not to take away her hot lunches on the last day, when I knew that it was beyond my fixing.

Tears still come to my eyes.

But tears are not a bad thing. I have learned that. They cleanse the heart. Washing it and making it cleaner than it was and leaving you in a place where you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and tell yourself that it is time to start again.

When I am having a hard time, as we all do, I think about these things. Then I wash my heart, and I pick myself up, dust myself off and tell myself that it is time to start again.