Charles, my adopted six-foot-give, African-American, former bank robbing, mentally ill son who is also the janitor at my office approached Keller Deal's desk. Eyes half closed, he has one hand on top of his head.
"Mam, I know that you're white and I'm black, but will you be my mother for Mother's Day?"
Stifling a giggle, Keller tells him that she would.
"Well," he says, "I know that I'm a day late but 'Happy Mother's Day!'"
"HEY!" Joy screams from her office next door. "What about me?" Joy is the one who actually handles Charles money for him and she sneaks him candy which he loves and makes certain that he buys new clothes from time to time.
Unfazed, Charles says that she can be his mother too. I suppose that you can never have enough Moms.
And that's the kind of day it was at Union Mission yesterday. John Stephenson of the J. Bulow Campbell Foundation in Atlanta spent the morning with us touring the Magdalene Project as he contemplates helping renovate the now unoccupied housing program for homeless mothers and children.
Then it was lunch during which we reviewed the plans for the upcoming Starfish Cafe gala. Keller has everything under control. Or she can lie really well.
Then Skip, Lavanda and I reviewed plans for the future. Lavanda laid out her plans to us as she will soon be leaving us after 17 years for broader horizons. Lavanda's been the one in daily operations for the past six years. She is the Mom of Union Mission. It was a good meeting though and we ended in a group hug.
I was heading to Tybee for a dinner meeting when my cell phone buzzed a bit of serendipity presented itself so I made a U-Turn that Nascar would envy and headed back to town for cocktails and laughter.
Eventually I made it back to Tybee and Lucy Hall, Director of the Mary Hall Freedom House in Atlanta and I walked to dinner. Lucy is currently on a reality television show and I poked fun at her for it. She was already famous having won national awards and being covered by "Essence" and other magazines. We talked into the night about changes and what the future holds.
At 10:30 I took Goddess for a thoughtful walk and reviewed what ended up being a really great day. Now I'm off to meet Lauren for a meeting that may hold promise and it starts all over again! I hope!!!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
No Focus On Monday
The day had just begun and I had stumbled through the door marked "Exit Only", poured myself a cup of coffee and sat on my normal stool. Whitley was followed by Johnny O who greeted Justin with his customary one finger wave and yelled out a verb followed by a pronoun. The day seemed to be starting as it normally does.
Then in walked a dude wearing only shorts. His white body had red splotches all over it as a result of a haphazard application of sun screen. Blond hair was filled with sand. He was having trouble standing still.
"I need a cigarette!" he bellowed. "And I have to be in court by 9:00."
His words were slurred but we understood enough to break out into laugher.
"No body here smokes," Justin lied. And the dude left.
Then Johnny O asked me if I had seen Dean yesterday. I had not. "Well, Jake asked him if he had shot his sofa and made a shirt out of it."
Now that's an image.
On my run down the beach, I notice the large number of Jelly Fish that have washed ashore. Normally this time of year, only the non-stinging Canon Balls litter the beach, but I see only the bright colored stingers that usually show up in July and August. I wonder why.
Then I take Goddess for her walk while I cool down from the run. My neighbor Art walks up with treats for the pup and a gift for me. He had taken yesterday's newspaper which had announced this year's Cotillion Club debutantes. There were nine beautiful girls pictured. He drawn another box and wrote in it "Picture not available". Underneath he had written "Elliott". I burst out laughing.
A couple of weeks ago, Art had an oyster roast and as it began he stood and thanked everyone for coming to Micheal's Cotillion Party. "He's finally coming out," he had quipped.
And now I can't get the song "Sweet Soul Sister" out of my head. Yesterday on Mother's Day, my daughters spent the day with their Dad. Driving back from brunch with my Mom, the two of them sang the song to the top of their lungs with happy glee. They really sucked and when I told them they sang it again. So I guess that I understand why so many Mom's don't make a big deal out of Mother's Day.
So this Monday is beginning slightly out of focus. And there is no point to this blog. And I have to go to work. And I would much prefer to hang out on the beach with my sweet soul sister.
Then in walked a dude wearing only shorts. His white body had red splotches all over it as a result of a haphazard application of sun screen. Blond hair was filled with sand. He was having trouble standing still.
"I need a cigarette!" he bellowed. "And I have to be in court by 9:00."
His words were slurred but we understood enough to break out into laugher.
"No body here smokes," Justin lied. And the dude left.
Then Johnny O asked me if I had seen Dean yesterday. I had not. "Well, Jake asked him if he had shot his sofa and made a shirt out of it."
Now that's an image.
On my run down the beach, I notice the large number of Jelly Fish that have washed ashore. Normally this time of year, only the non-stinging Canon Balls litter the beach, but I see only the bright colored stingers that usually show up in July and August. I wonder why.
Then I take Goddess for her walk while I cool down from the run. My neighbor Art walks up with treats for the pup and a gift for me. He had taken yesterday's newspaper which had announced this year's Cotillion Club debutantes. There were nine beautiful girls pictured. He drawn another box and wrote in it "Picture not available". Underneath he had written "Elliott". I burst out laughing.
A couple of weeks ago, Art had an oyster roast and as it began he stood and thanked everyone for coming to Micheal's Cotillion Party. "He's finally coming out," he had quipped.
And now I can't get the song "Sweet Soul Sister" out of my head. Yesterday on Mother's Day, my daughters spent the day with their Dad. Driving back from brunch with my Mom, the two of them sang the song to the top of their lungs with happy glee. They really sucked and when I told them they sang it again. So I guess that I understand why so many Mom's don't make a big deal out of Mother's Day.
So this Monday is beginning slightly out of focus. And there is no point to this blog. And I have to go to work. And I would much prefer to hang out on the beach with my sweet soul sister.
Friday, May 7, 2010
My Inventory of Sins
I never made it to Chicago yesterday as nobody was in control of air traffic in Atlanta. Though I'm fairly certain that no one is in control of much anything in Atlanta. Or Washington. Anyway my plane kept getting delayed and after several hours it became apparent that I would arrive long after the Board meeting of the International Street Medicine Institute had began. So I informed Delta that they were not ready when I was and flew back to Savannah.
And in the late afternoon, I found myself with the twin gifts of time and solitude sitting on the back deck. I was surrounded by a multitude of colorful flowers that are promises of growth and love.
Then out of nowhere, came an inventory of my sins. It is a larger list than I care to admit but I spent time reviewing each and every one. It is hard to do but if we are going to grow as individuals we have to understand the mistakes and bad things that we have done. I'm still trying to grow.
It was most painful to understand that sins lead to hurting other people and mine certainly did. And they hurt me too. In each and every case, I resolved to not repeat it and to learn from it and to move on. In each instance, I woke up the next morning resolved to make amends and atone for them. For the most part I think that I did.
During all of the trauma of the past few years in my life, I saw that I was in a bad place and didn't understand it. I think you have to finally be well before you can understand how sick you were. And as I reviewed my sins, especially the last few years, I understand how bad of a place I was in. I can see that now.
After reviewing the inventory, I said prayers to the stars asking for forgiveness and for those whom I have hurt to find happiness and fulfillment. Life is too short too not spend our energy reaching out for happiness and fulfillment. And trying to help others do so when you have the opportunity.
This morning, I ran and sweated out the sins I committed yesterday. Then I baptised myself in the holy water of the outdoor shower. Then I watered the growing promises on the back deck. Now I embrace this day knowing that I will heal just a little bit more. And I hope that those I have hurt heal too.
And in the late afternoon, I found myself with the twin gifts of time and solitude sitting on the back deck. I was surrounded by a multitude of colorful flowers that are promises of growth and love.
Then out of nowhere, came an inventory of my sins. It is a larger list than I care to admit but I spent time reviewing each and every one. It is hard to do but if we are going to grow as individuals we have to understand the mistakes and bad things that we have done. I'm still trying to grow.
It was most painful to understand that sins lead to hurting other people and mine certainly did. And they hurt me too. In each and every case, I resolved to not repeat it and to learn from it and to move on. In each instance, I woke up the next morning resolved to make amends and atone for them. For the most part I think that I did.
During all of the trauma of the past few years in my life, I saw that I was in a bad place and didn't understand it. I think you have to finally be well before you can understand how sick you were. And as I reviewed my sins, especially the last few years, I understand how bad of a place I was in. I can see that now.
After reviewing the inventory, I said prayers to the stars asking for forgiveness and for those whom I have hurt to find happiness and fulfillment. Life is too short too not spend our energy reaching out for happiness and fulfillment. And trying to help others do so when you have the opportunity.
This morning, I ran and sweated out the sins I committed yesterday. Then I baptised myself in the holy water of the outdoor shower. Then I watered the growing promises on the back deck. Now I embrace this day knowing that I will heal just a little bit more. And I hope that those I have hurt heal too.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Dancing with Change
A while back I wrote that it was time to grab hold of change by the throat and dance! And I've danced through loss and abandonment. And I've danced with friends old and new. And yesterday the dance continued.
Lavanda Brown announced that after 16 years at Union Mission, the past seven as Executive Vice-President, she is leaving. I have known for a while as she told me in my office several weeks ago but am still getting used to the idea. If Lavanda is anything, she is steady and if we ever needed anything over the past year or so it has been that. And she has consistently delivered.
We've also had good times together. Good talks. Good laughs. And a cultural dialogue about race in Savannah that has shaped the way that Union Mission is today. I call her style "front Porch management". People come and sit on her sofa and talk while she stares at her computer screen because of her inability to completely focus on one thing at a time. Somehow it works and people leave feeling that they have gotten the things that they need from her.
It will be several more weeks before she finally leaves for good and I know that, in this case, she will never really leave for good. Unlike the other changes in my life, Lavanda and I will continue to be friends. We will continue to talk. She has a life time invitation to the Union Mission holiday party.
And for that, and for all of the things that she has done for our community, I am grateful.
Lavanda Brown announced that after 16 years at Union Mission, the past seven as Executive Vice-President, she is leaving. I have known for a while as she told me in my office several weeks ago but am still getting used to the idea. If Lavanda is anything, she is steady and if we ever needed anything over the past year or so it has been that. And she has consistently delivered.
We've also had good times together. Good talks. Good laughs. And a cultural dialogue about race in Savannah that has shaped the way that Union Mission is today. I call her style "front Porch management". People come and sit on her sofa and talk while she stares at her computer screen because of her inability to completely focus on one thing at a time. Somehow it works and people leave feeling that they have gotten the things that they need from her.
It will be several more weeks before she finally leaves for good and I know that, in this case, she will never really leave for good. Unlike the other changes in my life, Lavanda and I will continue to be friends. We will continue to talk. She has a life time invitation to the Union Mission holiday party.
And for that, and for all of the things that she has done for our community, I am grateful.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Follow You Heart
"I think that you should have T-shirts made with Goddess on them. They would sell."
I was having dinner with my friend Terry. It had been too many months since we had seen one another and were catching up. When the conversation turned to my blog, he started with Goddess.
"It could have her picture on it and underneath could say 'Love Really Is A Bitch!'"
I cracked up but he kept going. It seems that Goddess is developing a cult following. There are evidently many people who read what I write every day not so much because they give a damn what's going on in my life but because they are huge fans of Goddess. I have become a minor character in my own life!
And it's true! I make my way around town and people ask, "How's Goddess?" They never ask how I'm doing.
When I'm walking her on the island, passing cars will roll their windows down and yell, "Hello Goddess!" without ever looking at me.
Who knew these people are part of a cult?
Now I love the Goddess and she is one of the cards that my life has been dealt and I am grateful for that. Each of our lives have been dealt a stack of cards. Some of the cards we cannot change. Our race. Our gender. Our families. Where we are born. How we were raised. We hold onto these cards throughout our lives.
Other cards we pick up or we discard. Our jobs. Our lovers. Where we choose to live. Who our friends are. These are cards that we choose to keep if we think that they are worth it or we throw them away because they don't prove to be all that useful in our game of life.
The stack of discarded cards grows and some may end up being useful again. An old friend shows back up. Someone who made you a promise years ago delivers when you call it in. You return to some place that you loved and it still holds all of the alure and magic that it did the first time.
The trick about playing the cards in your life is that you always have to follow your heart. It guides you in what you hold onto and what you throw away. The game of life is all about having the fullest heart at the end.
I thought these things last night. Terry is a card that I hold onto. Goddess is for sure! And where I live and what I do and who I love.
Then the bill came and Terry made me pull out a dollar bill so that we could play poker to see who would pay for dinner. He called out numbers printed on the face of the dollar and I called out numbers. He won and I had to pay. Dammit.
I would have won had we been playing with cards.
Or if Goddess would have been with me.
I was having dinner with my friend Terry. It had been too many months since we had seen one another and were catching up. When the conversation turned to my blog, he started with Goddess.
"It could have her picture on it and underneath could say 'Love Really Is A Bitch!'"
I cracked up but he kept going. It seems that Goddess is developing a cult following. There are evidently many people who read what I write every day not so much because they give a damn what's going on in my life but because they are huge fans of Goddess. I have become a minor character in my own life!
And it's true! I make my way around town and people ask, "How's Goddess?" They never ask how I'm doing.
When I'm walking her on the island, passing cars will roll their windows down and yell, "Hello Goddess!" without ever looking at me.
Who knew these people are part of a cult?
Now I love the Goddess and she is one of the cards that my life has been dealt and I am grateful for that. Each of our lives have been dealt a stack of cards. Some of the cards we cannot change. Our race. Our gender. Our families. Where we are born. How we were raised. We hold onto these cards throughout our lives.
Other cards we pick up or we discard. Our jobs. Our lovers. Where we choose to live. Who our friends are. These are cards that we choose to keep if we think that they are worth it or we throw them away because they don't prove to be all that useful in our game of life.
The stack of discarded cards grows and some may end up being useful again. An old friend shows back up. Someone who made you a promise years ago delivers when you call it in. You return to some place that you loved and it still holds all of the alure and magic that it did the first time.
The trick about playing the cards in your life is that you always have to follow your heart. It guides you in what you hold onto and what you throw away. The game of life is all about having the fullest heart at the end.
I thought these things last night. Terry is a card that I hold onto. Goddess is for sure! And where I live and what I do and who I love.
Then the bill came and Terry made me pull out a dollar bill so that we could play poker to see who would pay for dinner. He called out numbers printed on the face of the dollar and I called out numbers. He won and I had to pay. Dammit.
I would have won had we been playing with cards.
Or if Goddess would have been with me.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
The Rising Tide
“For God’s sake,” Keller Deal sighed, “will you write about something funny tomorrow?”
“Is that a woman’s perspective?” I asked. While Keller can be a self-professed cruel angel, she was right. Yesterday’s “Low Tide” hit a lot of people in ways that I never intended.
Someone I care deeply about called crying after reading it and broke my heart.
Herb wrote and told me that I was killing him and that I needed to smile and act like everything was ok.
Stacy and Dedra and Judi all send positive thoughts and prayers even though I hadn’t asked for them.
Lauren read it and said, “I can see how they would think that!” just like a lawyer.
Aretha read it and looked over the top of her glasses at me and said, “I get it.”
Barrie read it and said, “I completely understand.”
But it ended up being a rogue blog. When I write these things, I am never quite sure how they are going to end up. I have some vague notion of a point I want to make or a story to tell. Sometimes I just sit at the computer with my eyes closed and start to type. But I am never quite sure what it is that is being born. So I go with the flow.
So I am going to do something that I have never done before. I am going to pretend like Toto has pulled the curtain back and exposed the Wizard of Oz. Then I am going to explain how it came about. Then I am going to write about what I really want to write about.
So last week ended kind of roughly. Well, it did and it didn’t. Lauren and I went to Atlanta to put the last nail in the coffin of SABHC only to find that we have more opportunities staring us in the face then we could have ever imagined. So that was good. But then on the personal side, things that I wanted to happen didn’t happen quite the way that I wanted them to and I slid into the weekend unsure of where my future was going.
Then Jeremy showed up. Now my son and I are an odd pair. We really got along as man and child but we really enjoy one another as adults. In fact, he is a best friend. And I am to him. And we give one another permission to be these things with one another. And we have fun. So we listened to live music and we drank and I think we shot pool (not sure) though there are pictures of me on Face Book singing country music karaoke, so I guess that I did that. John and Judy were also there so who knows?
And it was a great weekend except I remained a little shaky on where my future was going. Then Jeremy left. And Kristen showed up and we had dinner with Ryan Sadowski and those crazy, wonderful, insane friends of mine who run the Breakfast Club. (OK nobody really runs the Breakfast Club. Jodee owns it and keeps it open somehow, but I’m not convinced that anybody has actually ever been in charge.)
Then it was Monday. And it was low tide. And it was a stunning low tide that went for miles. And way over there in the distance was the ocean with the sun shining on it, sparkling and playful. And I was struck by the difference. Where I was running was barren wet sand. No life.
Way out there, were the dolphins and the sun and the life and the warmth. I sat for a moment and noticed the difference. Appreciating it! I mean if God was going to go through all of the trouble to create it, the least that I could do was notice. So I sat down in the wet sand and noticed.
Then I thought about the last several months. The empty barren wet lifeless sand was what I have been living through. Way out there, where the sun was dancing on the water and the dolphins were smiling, was where I wanted to be. And I got up and ran that way. Smiling! Because I know where I want to go!
So I went through the day dealing with this rogue blog, confused and befuddled that things went the way that they did.
But then a little serendipity happened. And then I bought $100 worth of flowers and plants and brought them home. And I spend the afternoon planting them and singing to the songs on my I-pod.
As I did this, I tried to remember the last time that I did this. I get gardening from my Mom. She is a gardener on steroids! I am a bit more natural about it. But over the last three or four years I had stopped doing something I love.
And I thought to myself (Jerry, this is going to offend you so let me apologize now but as a writer it is what it is) “Fuck this! I want to be surrounded by living and happy things.” So I bought dirt and plants and living things and I went home and I worked myself silly.
And I wondered where this had gone? But I am not one to get glued to the past. And things that I love are coming back. And I thank God that the flowers are back. And I thank God that it was God who started giving them back. And I believe in serendipity with everything that I am. And the flowers will grow like love will grow in life again.
And I am never going back again to the low tide. The rising one is going to carry me away.
“Is that a woman’s perspective?” I asked. While Keller can be a self-professed cruel angel, she was right. Yesterday’s “Low Tide” hit a lot of people in ways that I never intended.
Someone I care deeply about called crying after reading it and broke my heart.
Herb wrote and told me that I was killing him and that I needed to smile and act like everything was ok.
Stacy and Dedra and Judi all send positive thoughts and prayers even though I hadn’t asked for them.
Lauren read it and said, “I can see how they would think that!” just like a lawyer.
Aretha read it and looked over the top of her glasses at me and said, “I get it.”
Barrie read it and said, “I completely understand.”
But it ended up being a rogue blog. When I write these things, I am never quite sure how they are going to end up. I have some vague notion of a point I want to make or a story to tell. Sometimes I just sit at the computer with my eyes closed and start to type. But I am never quite sure what it is that is being born. So I go with the flow.
So I am going to do something that I have never done before. I am going to pretend like Toto has pulled the curtain back and exposed the Wizard of Oz. Then I am going to explain how it came about. Then I am going to write about what I really want to write about.
So last week ended kind of roughly. Well, it did and it didn’t. Lauren and I went to Atlanta to put the last nail in the coffin of SABHC only to find that we have more opportunities staring us in the face then we could have ever imagined. So that was good. But then on the personal side, things that I wanted to happen didn’t happen quite the way that I wanted them to and I slid into the weekend unsure of where my future was going.
Then Jeremy showed up. Now my son and I are an odd pair. We really got along as man and child but we really enjoy one another as adults. In fact, he is a best friend. And I am to him. And we give one another permission to be these things with one another. And we have fun. So we listened to live music and we drank and I think we shot pool (not sure) though there are pictures of me on Face Book singing country music karaoke, so I guess that I did that. John and Judy were also there so who knows?
And it was a great weekend except I remained a little shaky on where my future was going. Then Jeremy left. And Kristen showed up and we had dinner with Ryan Sadowski and those crazy, wonderful, insane friends of mine who run the Breakfast Club. (OK nobody really runs the Breakfast Club. Jodee owns it and keeps it open somehow, but I’m not convinced that anybody has actually ever been in charge.)
Then it was Monday. And it was low tide. And it was a stunning low tide that went for miles. And way over there in the distance was the ocean with the sun shining on it, sparkling and playful. And I was struck by the difference. Where I was running was barren wet sand. No life.
Way out there, were the dolphins and the sun and the life and the warmth. I sat for a moment and noticed the difference. Appreciating it! I mean if God was going to go through all of the trouble to create it, the least that I could do was notice. So I sat down in the wet sand and noticed.
Then I thought about the last several months. The empty barren wet lifeless sand was what I have been living through. Way out there, where the sun was dancing on the water and the dolphins were smiling, was where I wanted to be. And I got up and ran that way. Smiling! Because I know where I want to go!
So I went through the day dealing with this rogue blog, confused and befuddled that things went the way that they did.
But then a little serendipity happened. And then I bought $100 worth of flowers and plants and brought them home. And I spend the afternoon planting them and singing to the songs on my I-pod.
As I did this, I tried to remember the last time that I did this. I get gardening from my Mom. She is a gardener on steroids! I am a bit more natural about it. But over the last three or four years I had stopped doing something I love.
And I thought to myself (Jerry, this is going to offend you so let me apologize now but as a writer it is what it is) “Fuck this! I want to be surrounded by living and happy things.” So I bought dirt and plants and living things and I went home and I worked myself silly.
And I wondered where this had gone? But I am not one to get glued to the past. And things that I love are coming back. And I thank God that the flowers are back. And I thank God that it was God who started giving them back. And I believe in serendipity with everything that I am. And the flowers will grow like love will grow in life again.
And I am never going back again to the low tide. The rising one is going to carry me away.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Low Tide
As I topped the sand dune, I saw that it is low tide and the exposed ocean floor seems to go on forever. It is barren looking and empty and the sea seems to be miles away. I keep running across the lifeless wet sand and then suddenly and unexpectedly, the life seems to get sucked out of me too and I stop.
Sweat pours down my face and I catch my breath. I curse. Then I sit down in the wet sand and lay my heart down beside me. The sun sparkles on the ocean and I want to be a part of that but it is so far away from where I am. I am surrounded by emptiness.
My heart is dark and brusied but I notice that it is getting its color back and it continues to beat through I could have sworn it had stopped. I fall backwards in the wet sand and let the barren emptiness engulf me.
"It is ok," I tell myself.
And I think about all of the love that used to be here, like a full ocean teaming with life. Now it is at low tide and the love is elsewhere. I used to hang on her every word but now her words have no meaning behind them. They are empty and barren. I am numb as I read them.
I refuse to stay here. I get up and put my heart back in. Then I race to the sea and the sun and when I get there I will dance upon the water. And I will not look back.
Sweat pours down my face and I catch my breath. I curse. Then I sit down in the wet sand and lay my heart down beside me. The sun sparkles on the ocean and I want to be a part of that but it is so far away from where I am. I am surrounded by emptiness.
My heart is dark and brusied but I notice that it is getting its color back and it continues to beat through I could have sworn it had stopped. I fall backwards in the wet sand and let the barren emptiness engulf me.
"It is ok," I tell myself.
And I think about all of the love that used to be here, like a full ocean teaming with life. Now it is at low tide and the love is elsewhere. I used to hang on her every word but now her words have no meaning behind them. They are empty and barren. I am numb as I read them.
I refuse to stay here. I get up and put my heart back in. Then I race to the sea and the sun and when I get there I will dance upon the water. And I will not look back.
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