The Rising Tide

“For God’s sake,” Keller Deal sighed, “will you write about something funny tomorrow?”

“Is that a woman’s perspective?” I asked. While Keller can be a self-professed cruel angel, she was right. Yesterday’s “Low Tide” hit a lot of people in ways that I never intended.

Someone I care deeply about called crying after reading it and broke my heart.

Herb wrote and told me that I was killing him and that I needed to smile and act like everything was ok.

Stacy and Dedra and Judi all send positive thoughts and prayers even though I hadn’t asked for them.

Lauren read it and said, “I can see how they would think that!” just like a lawyer.

Aretha read it and looked over the top of her glasses at me and said, “I get it.”

Barrie read it and said, “I completely understand.”

But it ended up being a rogue blog. When I write these things, I am never quite sure how they are going to end up. I have some vague notion of a point I want to make or a story to tell. Sometimes I just sit at the computer with my eyes closed and start to type. But I am never quite sure what it is that is being born. So I go with the flow.

So I am going to do something that I have never done before. I am going to pretend like Toto has pulled the curtain back and exposed the Wizard of Oz. Then I am going to explain how it came about. Then I am going to write about what I really want to write about.

So last week ended kind of roughly. Well, it did and it didn’t. Lauren and I went to Atlanta to put the last nail in the coffin of SABHC only to find that we have more opportunities staring us in the face then we could have ever imagined. So that was good. But then on the personal side, things that I wanted to happen didn’t happen quite the way that I wanted them to and I slid into the weekend unsure of where my future was going.

Then Jeremy showed up. Now my son and I are an odd pair. We really got along as man and child but we really enjoy one another as adults. In fact, he is a best friend. And I am to him. And we give one another permission to be these things with one another. And we have fun. So we listened to live music and we drank and I think we shot pool (not sure) though there are pictures of me on Face Book singing country music karaoke, so I guess that I did that. John and Judy were also there so who knows?

And it was a great weekend except I remained a little shaky on where my future was going. Then Jeremy left. And Kristen showed up and we had dinner with Ryan Sadowski and those crazy, wonderful, insane friends of mine who run the Breakfast Club. (OK nobody really runs the Breakfast Club. Jodee owns it and keeps it open somehow, but I’m not convinced that anybody has actually ever been in charge.)

Then it was Monday. And it was low tide. And it was a stunning low tide that went for miles. And way over there in the distance was the ocean with the sun shining on it, sparkling and playful. And I was struck by the difference. Where I was running was barren wet sand. No life.

Way out there, were the dolphins and the sun and the life and the warmth. I sat for a moment and noticed the difference. Appreciating it! I mean if God was going to go through all of the trouble to create it, the least that I could do was notice. So I sat down in the wet sand and noticed.

Then I thought about the last several months. The empty barren wet lifeless sand was what I have been living through. Way out there, where the sun was dancing on the water and the dolphins were smiling, was where I wanted to be. And I got up and ran that way. Smiling! Because I know where I want to go!

So I went through the day dealing with this rogue blog, confused and befuddled that things went the way that they did.

But then a little serendipity happened. And then I bought $100 worth of flowers and plants and brought them home. And I spend the afternoon planting them and singing to the songs on my I-pod.

As I did this, I tried to remember the last time that I did this. I get gardening from my Mom. She is a gardener on steroids! I am a bit more natural about it. But over the last three or four years I had stopped doing something I love.

And I thought to myself (Jerry, this is going to offend you so let me apologize now but as a writer it is what it is) “Fuck this! I want to be surrounded by living and happy things.” So I bought dirt and plants and living things and I went home and I worked myself silly.

And I wondered where this had gone? But I am not one to get glued to the past. And things that I love are coming back. And I thank God that the flowers are back. And I thank God that it was God who started giving them back. And I believe in serendipity with everything that I am. And the flowers will grow like love will grow in life again.

And I am never going back again to the low tide. The rising one is going to carry me away.