Chaplain of the Breakfast Club Comes through Again!

In my time I have been associated with some very bad softball teams. It is nothing that I am proud of or bring up often, but let me say these teams (and I use the term loosely) took bad to depths never previously touched by human kind.

Back in Louisville, Bill Berry and I fielded a homeless softball team and joined the church league. This was the meanest league I've ever played in. Those church people think soft ball is a life-or-death contact sport.

Our homeless team was intimidated as hell. In the middle of one game David, our second baseman and full time schizophrenic became overwhelmed by the experience and laid down on the ground hugging second base and crying. We couldn't get him to stop and knew it was a lost cause when he started sucking his thumb. We had to forfeit the game but the laughing church people said they would pray for us. I think I flipped them the finger.

There was the Beach Bum team. I joined in their second year. One June afternoon I showed up at the park to see two of my team mates, Gordon Varnadoe and Jim Green playing second base and short stop, respectfully. For some reason they thought it would be a good idea if they wore ski masks while they played. I suppose to throw the other team off. Anyway, they fainted from the heat in the second inning and had to be carried off the field. We forfeited the game. The Bums were a very bad softball team but we had a lot of fun.

Then there is the Breakfast Cubs sponsored by the Breakfast Club. Jodee was once a die hard Cubs fan and fielded a team that was just as bad as the one in Chicago. I played shortstop. Our badness rivaled the Beach Bums. This was a co-ed team and I remember we once played a team that had David Ring on it. David is a big man who could really hit a ball. And he did way out past center field. All three of our outfielders ran after the ball and we lost them in the darkness of the night. Fifteen minutes they had not returned and we had to forfeit the game.

And now there is the latest incarnation of the Breakfast Cubs. Because today is Ryan Sadowski's birthday (and because he whines without ceasing if he doesn't get his way) I showed up at last night's game. These latest Cubs are proudly carrying on the tradition that we began all of those years ago. They have yet to win a game all year.

As soon as I saw them warming up, I knew that I had made a mistake. They were tossing the ball to one another, meaning it came close to hitting a glove before falling to the ground. I turned to leave but saw that smartly dressed Jamie (who I have a serious crush on) was a member of the team.

I was moved by the Lord to help this sad excuse for a team (and I use the term loosely). I gathered them all in the dugout for a pre-game prayer.

"Lord, please forgive these people
for sucking so badly at softball.
They have yet to win a game
but it is because of Satan's evil ways
and not necessarily their incompetence.
PLEASE have mercy on the rest of us
who have to hear about this crap everyday
and lead them to the promised land of victory!
Amen"

And the game started. I hung around to see if things would work out. When Caroline stepped to the plate I told her to spit towards the pitcher to intimidate him. She didn't and quickly grounded out.

Then the very white Ryan Sadowski/birthday boy stepped to the plate. I told him to grab his crotch in the direction of the pitcher. For once the whiter-than-most-white people Ryan listened and did what I said. He got a hit and scored the first run.

I knew that the Chaplain of the Breakfast Club had come through again. So I left. And of course, they won their first game.

I couldn't hang around, I had more important things to do. A friend whom I love and I were going to share music videos.

Oh and Ryan. Happy Birthday!

Now if everyone else out there will please begin praying for me because I am deathly afraid that they are going to make me go to more of these games for pre-game prayers.