Follow Your Heart

Bliss and beautiful or crash and burn.

Following your heart can lead to either and most often all four of these emotions occur in the same relationship. Yet, it is our hearts that we follow in spite of where we land. Other people or other things may lead for a while, but in the end it is our hearts that we follow.

Or we are so lost that we just give our lives away. To abusive others. To religions or focus groups. To drugs. To ... a thousand other things where the heart doesn't necessarily want to go.

And our hearts are always looking for love.

So I have followed mine most of my life as hopeless romantics often do. Looking for serendipity which leads to love. But...things happen.

Skip in the office was talking to some folks about this. They had been married for 40 and 50 years respectfully. They did not comprehend how couples cannot be together. After all they had so how come everyone can't? He explained how they had not been through it so they would never understand.

The heart leads you to another heart and they touch and they love and ... then? It ends and it leaves you different. If you survive.

So as I've said I've followed my heart and I've learned some powerful things.

First, it can make quite a difference. In Louisville and in Savannah, things are different because I aligned myself with others who did incredible things following their hearts. And wonderful and great and miraculous things happened. The widow, the orphan and the sojourner found peace. The dead came back to life! The Kingdom came on earth as it is in heaven for a little while.

But I lost two things as great things were accomplished. Something that I never thought I would have ever imagined. Especially the second.

The first, we were babies. I discovered what I do after we had discovered one another. Then we discovered birth control. We did our best and conceived wonderful children who are my best friends today. And she is a wonderful person who does good things.

Then I found the love of my life. Until I learned that I wasn't the love of hers in the same way. And I learned darkness that was so deep and so painful that I never thought I would survive. And the thing is that I understand. She is doing what she needs to do for her and I support that. Though the painfulness of coming to this cannot be worst than the worst parts of hell.

I wish them both peace and happiness. Life is too short for anything else.

Afterwards, I moved on and followed my heart and touched bliss and beautiful again. For a second. Then it was crash and burn. I am expert on all four.

And I sit here and wonder how over thirty years, homeless people, and sick people, and mentally ill people; the prostitutes and the junkies, and the infirmed and poor can love me without ceasing. And their families call often, asking me to love their sons and daughters and mothers and fathers. And how we are all always here for one another without question. Never have we so much as questioned our allegiance to the other. We are bound. But this is a sad and oppressive love that sometimes leads to moments of happiness but it teaches you how we are all bound in life together if we are going to get through it.

But dear ones whom I have given my heart to cannot maintain the ebb and flow of love that we do with one another. And I understand that there is injustice in the world. And in my life. And that resurrections do not always occur just because you pray.

So...I look for the love in my life. Again.

Goddess is panting behind me and wants me now without question. Those crazed flawed wonderful collection of friends at the Breakfast Club remind me of weariness and laughter at the same time. The Bored meeting is another carnival of friends who thrive mostly on laughter. Then there is this smattering of the Diaspora ... friends who are scattered throughout the world who remain in touch and we share love. And the people of Union Mission who love the people who have loved me most for thirty years.

And I pine for the bliss and the beauty because once you have had it you always want it.

But these things are not mine right now.

So I ponder what to do for a while.

Then I stand and know. I will do what I have always done.

I will follow my heart.