Loss

Now the winter has come
to eclipse in the sun
that has lighted my love for some time

And a cold wind now blows
not much tenderness flows
from the heart of someone feeling so tired

So sings George Harrison in one of the saddest songs that I have ever heard. Titled "So Sad," it is about loss.

Over the past year and a half, I have learned all about loss. I've lost a major program, a friend/employee who I trusted completely, a piece of my reputation, my Dad, and my wife. That is a lot of loss in a relatively short period of time! Most of the time I didn't think that I could bear it but somehow I did.

The first two things to know about loss is that it makes you sadder than you ever thought you could be and that it leaves you bone tired. All of the time! The saddess and the weariness are so heavy that it can litterally drive you to your knees on the floor and your own sobs are the only noise.

"Don't they know, it's the end of the world?" as another song goes. And in the aftermath of loss, this is what we quickly conclude and in a sense, that is right, because our world is no longer the same as it was. That world has come to an end.

But life goes on.

And you are amazed that life goes on. How? Why?

Then when you are on the floor sobbing, your dog licks the tears away from your face and you hug that animal as you never have before. Or a friend stops by unannounced and uninvited and makes you get up and deal. Or someone you knew but didn't know cared reaches out and lets you know that you are loved anyway. Or an old friend calls and makes you laugh when laughter is the very last thing that you want to do.

And it goes on like this for a while. Much too long. And you remain sad and tired. and you visit all of the dark places. And you love the darkness.

Then you notice the sun rising. The skies become brilliantly blue. The ocean becomes like glass. Your heart begins to jump when new friends and old friends touch it. And the darkness begins to fade, ever so slowly.

And you can be doing anything. Running around the Washington Monument. Listening to your I-pod. Thinking about new friends who have touched your heart. And without a moments notice, you are reborn. Alive again. Feeling and sensing everything at the same time. On fire! Yourself again! Yet different. Richer because of the loss.